After seeing my blog the other day, one of my contacts suggested I write a self help book based on my journey. I’ve spent the last couple of days noting lots of things down and trying to edit myself as I go along to see if there is a book in me!
I spent this morning exploring my motivations behind my journey so far, the basis of which seems to be mostly covered by ‘I don’t want to be or behave anything like my Mother did’. Why though?
Well, to anyone that knew her that answer is obvious, she’s been dead nearly 12 years now and whilst there is a superstition about speaking ill of the dead, I find that actually, its far easier to speak well of her now in a sort of sympathetic manner for all that she did, understanding as I do, some of what she encountered and how she drove herself to live and behave as she did.
I have forgiven her for her narcissism, but her actions (and those of her Mother (and probably at least one Grandmother) before her), have had a long long lasting impact on my own responses to the world I live in. They cannot be so easily forgotten and indeed perhaps shouldn’t be entirely as they serve a useful purpose as warnings for myself and others.
My impact on the people that are around me is what motivates me. I have never wanted to present any of the negative behaviours that I do and I particularly don’t want my children to suffer in any way as I did. I managed to resolve the latter fairly quickly by loving my children with every fibre of my being and making absolutely damned sure that they know it, feel it and live it. For every transgression that I make against them, I also make sure to apologise and where appropriate explain. That bond of love (which was missing in my Maternal tree) transcends all sorts of issues, they know that I am flawed and discuss those flaws with me. I can guarantee that at some point something I will have said and done will have caused some sort of mess up in their lives, but I am content that we will find a way through. There is no such thing as the perfect parent or child for that matter.
My battle is ongoing, but this week I have scored a few victories and for that I am grateful, I can see clearly now how the battle truly is winding down and I am not quite so much in the clutches of what is left of my trauma as I was. The journey has been long and painful, many tears have been shed, sheer frustration, confusion, anger, fear, anxiety felt. But the journey never quite ends, my motivation remains but at least now I know I can trust and use the tools I have to keep going … peace of mind as the status quo truly is in sight.
Thank you for reading. Please do leave comments if you wish.