Panic is a new thing for me … inasmuch as I now recognise that just about everyone of my ‘less than measured responses’ is actually panic. For years, I’ve responded with some form of anger to anything ‘untoward’. My entire adult life has been spent trying to settle the anger, deal with it, learn to manage it, understand it …
Recently I blogged about having finally got a handle on my anger, well yes, I have in the main. Just recently, though, during Mercury Retrograde (which ALWAYS hits me like a tonne of bricks), anger started making a bit of a comeback, although this time I managed it and I have linked it to its source – panic!
What on earth have I got to panic about? Lack of control. Not over EVERYTHING, I am relieved to say, but only in response to quite specific triggers all linked to my Mother’s terrible narcissistic behaviour towards those she lived with.
How did I make the connection? I was tuning my son’s old guitar for my daughter’s first lesson, when a string broke. I’m not a musician so hadn’t thought to get the guitar, which hasn’t been used for over three years, restrung. Anyway, my daughter has a propensity to melt down at what can sometimes be inexplicable reasons (the usual kid stuff – borne out of being highly sensitive herself, thus absorbing all sorts of negativity around her, putting her on ‘unnecessary’ alert. She’s still quite young, so can’t manage these things). In this case, the surprise of the string breaking was an immediate trigger, followed by a sub conscious fear of my daughter melting down because she wouldn’t be able to have her music lesson. The panic immediately translates to fear (something’s gone wrong, and the wrath of my Mother is about to visited on me. Never mind that I haven’t physically seen my Mother for 32 years and she’s been dead nearly 12 of those) and in turn to anger.
My brain has drawn an unfortunate parallel between ‘things going wrong’ (outbursts from my children in particular) and my Mother’s explosions. So I have quite a job ahead of me to try and separate the two. Mostly I’m okay and can recognise that tantrums are just that, – pretty standard ‘kid’ behaviour. However, if I am already overwhelmed myself, then I have the Devil’s own job to keep my cool and try to navigate the storm going off in my own head, whilst trying to settle the outburst. My first tactic is always to simply get the noise to stop – worst tactic ever – thus I fail pretty spectacularly – cue vicious circle.
Fortunately though we always manage to resolve these things with big hugs, a few tears and apologies all round. This parenting lark is not for the fainthearted, particularly with ‘issues’ in the background. Navigating the world around us, alongside healing is a JOURNEY!! I truly hope and pray though that the cycle does get broken and my wonderful children will come out of what can sometimes be quite an emotional episode relatively unscathed.
I’m pleased though that I’ve finally recognised the panic, I’ve started healing meditations to let it go, after all, my Mother hasn’t been able to hurt me for over 30 years and she sure as heck can’t do now. It’s quite scary what the brain will carry with it though, the scars that get ripped open at each and every trigger.
I’m still not entirely sure about why my first response is anger rather than something else – I shall continue working on that aspect.