According to Chambers – (one) ‘ feeling of discontent at the good looks, qualities, fortune, etc of another; (two) an object or person contemplated with grudging or envious feelings’. I find myself on both sides, which is a rather curious place to be. I am fairly certain I am on the receiving end of the ‘etc’ in one thus having a grudge for the self same people. What a conundrum!
It is more than one person feeling this – they are not related, nor communicate with one another. One of the interesting things for me though is the source of the envy (it isn’t anything quoted here). The discontent has grown over a great number of years in all cases. I now find myself resenting all of them for the attendant issues that have manifested as a result of their envy and how that makes me feel. I, as usual, have to find a path through it all in order to keep myself sane and to protect the wider arena affected.
Of course, I am also entirely unable to control what I receive or change it, that has to come from the other side. No, I am not a saint (thank goodness!), but I have made a number of changes and enjoyed wonderful good fortune – things I cannot and should not change. As I blogged previously, I live my life lovingly and am not responsible for the feelings of others. All well and good and I have a clear conscious on that one. I am left with addressing how to lovingly create a space in my world for these people (it only has to be a small space – but a space does have to be made – some things we really can’t change!), to accommodate them such that I am truly unaffected by their ‘issue(s)’.
I was given two books 10 days ago by a wonderful friend. Heidi Sawyer’s ‘Highly Intuitive People’ and ‘Self-Care for the Self-Aware’ by Dave Markowitz. I am a fast reader so got through them both in a few days and put Dave’s guidance into practice a week ago. What a difference this has made … the cloying dark cloud that was sitting in my solar plexus has lifted and gone – where? The empathetic absorb negative energy all around – Heidi explains this really well. Dave’s theory is that those of us who have absorbed negative energy (e,g, a child, from say a parent with issues of their own), reduce the load of the perpetrator thus lessening the originator’s need to make personal changes. This idea resonated with me and although I have already returned my own negative parent’s energy back (its a long old story!), there was plenty more from other sources that needed returning! Rather than trying to do this on a human level, the suggestion is to meditate on it and ask the perpetrator’s Higher Self if it can be returned – and on a yes to then do so. I couldn’t even name a great deal of the perpetrators for me, but return it I did – in spades!!
So back to my conundrum, I decided to try and see if I could return the envious feelings back to the source, but I also had to work on my grudge. To really truly let it go – after all its a bit of a protection for me isn’t it – if I feel my grudge, then I don’t open myself up entirely to them, thus they can’t hurt me again. Except, as I well know, that doesn’t work, all that happens is the vicious circle keeps on spinning. So, I have let it go and resolved to hold myself in a protective bubble of healing light in future (rather than a grudging black cloud) when dealing with these people.